


Sexy Master Plans, and How to Ruin Them

by mahwaha



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Incest, John fails at carrying the shaving torch, minor blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-24 16:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3776365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahwaha/pseuds/mahwaha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Step 1: Lather. Check.<br/>Step 2: Do the thing with the razor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexy Master Plans, and How to Ruin Them

John had a plan. It was a great plan. A master plan. A plan that would pave the way for what would be an undoubtedly sexy time. A sexy master plan, where he would have silky-smooth junk and like, however much hair he had down there less, but also that same amount of shame subtracted.

It’d also help when he tucked to slap on one of Jade’s evening gowns, for even more sexiness, later. Sexiness and prank mastery, via a Skype call to Rose. Hehe. She wouldn’t know what hit her (except she would, because she’d think it was Jade, and hell yes John was going to do that. Later).

Now, for the act. John had lathered up his scrote and his happy trail and his dingle dangle with Jade’s mango body wash, and he even nabbed her razor (because he didn’t have one, because he was a big hairy man! Except not...really. He just hadn’t been to the store for a new blade. A new blade for his face. His face, which he totally shaved clear of all three of his totally manly hairs). He’d never tried shaving his love bush, but he was sure that it was intuitive. 

Step 1: Lather. Check.  
Step 2: Do the thing with the razor.

John did the thing with the razor. The razor got caught in his wild, unruly pubes. The razor also nicked his dick when he tried to pull it free. He screeched. If his wild, unruly pubes had instead been a wild, unruly beard, maybe he’d be more prepared for this. He was not prepared. His dick was bleeding.

He screeched Jade’s name, this time. Silence swallowed the bathroom, followed by the break of fleshy footfalls in the hall. John realized that Jade was coming to him. Of course. He’d just screamed her name in a non-ecstatic way. 

“Shit,” he whispered, throwing the razor into the sink before pawing at the toilet paper roll. The door pulled open, unmindful of his embarrassment and humiliation. His father would not have been proud. Shaving was, after all, a family tradition.

“What did you do?” Jade asked, nose scrunched and sleepy eyed. She blinked. She blinked again, only to find that no, a bottomless and hunched-over John still existed with soap all over his dick and toilet paper sticking in spotty red splotches. It clung to the wetness of the soap and the blood, then trailed into a long tail that still connected to the roll. “John, what the fuck did you do?”

“I wanted to shave. I just wanted to shave so we could do a thing after movies, tonight. That’s all.” He hunched forward further, clad in a pair of socks and his nice blue button up, for reasons beyond Jade’s comprehension. Who half-dressed formally to shave pubes? Jade felt her frown deepen with her disbelief.

“John.”

“Ugh, just fucking help me, Jade! You can’t look at a man like this and not help him!” John glared at Jade, spitting acid. Or bleeding it. His dick stung, and he was so unhappy right now. It was bad enough that he totally did sex with his sister, but not doing it because malfunctioning bush trimming was even worse. If his dick fell off, he’d have to get a bionic dick, and that meant he’d have to probably deal with Dave’s gross, idiot ecto-brother. Ew. 

Or maybe Jade could do it, since yeah, he guessed she did robot shit, too. Fine. But he’d rather have the Lil’ John he was created with!

Jade pushed her shirt sleeves up to her elbows, then popped a squat between John’s legs. In other circumstances, this would mean the best thing. Now, it was mostly super awful and horrible and John was so uncomfortable for every reason. Jade scrutinized his snausage like a hungry pooch, because she was Dogtier and it was funny, okay? Let him have his small pleasures.

She pulled the toilet paper away, then pondered and frowned in silence. A minute passed.

“You’re not gonna die, but I have no idea how to shave. I’m gonna call Rose.” She straightened up, the worry slipping from her face. John was hollering before she was fully upright.

“No, don’t call Rose!” He wailed.

“Rose knows how! Why not Rose?” Jade scowled, propping her hands on her hips.

“Because no one else needs to know, _Jade_!” John shot her another glare, then tried on the sad puppy face when it only seemed to rile Jade up. She rolled her eyes, then sighed.

“Fine. I’ll Wikihow it on my Squiddlesneaks.” 

The things she did for this guy, right?


End file.
